August fucking August 8/27/04
I passed my fucking class. After four days of listening to rednecks talk about hemmoroids, taking shots of rubbing alcohol, people catching on fire, or just discussing whether or not a "dyke" is "butch," it's ova. And I'm qualified. Fuckin' a. I might have a job sometime. Righteous! Oh, and they also talked about what a bad idea it is using preperation H instead of chapstick. Go fucking figure.

First day of training. Pretty awesome. The main instructor is this old, kinda heavy guy. He went off on lots of rants about how things were different when he was young, but he also did entertaining things like pause and hold his mouth in mid-sentence, following with, "That was a good sandwich, but I've eaten it twice now. So anyway..." And threatening to piss in peoples ears if they fell asleep in the wrong places. It made class more tolerable being around a bunch of other unemployed binge drinkers being threatened with body fluids from a guy that's been fighting fires since the 50's.

Went to see a chiropracter because my back has hurt worse everyday since the Ninja incident and I start firefighter training tomorrow. Turns out I have a sprained back, bruised, displaced ribs, and a muscular spasm caused my should blades to be significantly out of alignment. That's why I've been complaining so much for the last nine days, bitches. The chiropracter was kinda weird. He had me take off my shirt, which my last chiropracter didn't, and when he was doing this technique to loosen the muscles around my spine with his hands they often went under my boxers, one time a finger even went IN my butt crack. Not over it or next to it, but IN it. It was out just as quickly, but I have to wonder if it was a mistake. Fortunately, my body is so fucked up he didn't charge me, so that rocked.

JW's birthday...drank beer...saw movie...

Worked more. I've been belaying for the boss at the head shop, which is when you stand someplace holding giving and reducing slack in the rope to a rock climber. More of less. Only he isn't rock climbing, he's crawling around the apartment building next to the shop with a pressure washer blasting moss off of the roof. The building's almost 150 years old now and is run by total potheads, so as you can imagine it's pretty fuckin' dirty. Anyway, he's out of sight pretty much the whole time and I can't hear anything over the pressure washer motor, so I pretty much have to assume he's doing ok most of the time. At first I was thinking I shouldn't have lied and pretended to know how rock climbing stuff works, because lying to get jobs is usually only a good idea when lives aren't at stake, but whatever. I'm getting paid.

I've been doing some odd jobs for JW's boss around the head shop. Today, we were on the roof as some punk ass kids walked by one of the many "Free" boxes placed around Eugene. These boxes usually contain the stuff to shitty to sell at garage sales, so it just endes up on the side walk. So the stupid kids grab some archaic VCR out of there and start walking away with it by the chord and smash it once on the ground, then the shop keeper across the street yells for him to put it back in the box. So the kid throws it down in the parking lot as hard as he can and starts walking away like he's cool. Awesomely enough, the shop keeper chases him down and starts screaming at him even though he's in a crowd of friends, and makes him walk back up to the VCR. The old shopkeeper was yelling, "Who the fuck do you think is going to clean this shit up? The clean shit up fairy? Well, that's you now! You're the clean shit up fairy!" And then I laughed at the kid from the roof while my boss told him he was a dickhead and said we should hang him. So, that was the high light of my day. The lowlight is that I watched "The Human Stain" starring Anthony Hopkins and Nichol Kidman. 1 hour and 46 minutes after starting the movie, I thought about drowning myself in the bath tub, but decided to complain about it to an imaginary audience on my website instead. So...yeah. Oh, and JW slaved away making a badass forum. Use it, bitches.


The La Quinta Ninja Rally pictorial is finally up now, the link in the pics section works, or you can just click here.


Just got back from the Saturday Market.  Both my roommates and I got up early today (noon) and went there to perform in the 90 degree heat.  It's a place where venders set up boothes selling tie-dye shirts, or candles, or hemp necklaces or some such goods, and street performers show their mad skills for tips.  The street performers are pretty much all acoustic guitarists singings songs that are pretty much complaints of poverty put to four chords, but Lorq is way good at contact juggling and Jesse and I put on our ninja suits and drank tea.  About the first person that approached us after we set out a blanked and tea pots (one for tea, one for tips) was with the board and had said we had one of the "more creative acts" she had ever seen, but she heard about us and wanted to make sure we weren't violent.  I gave her a brief lecture on how Ninjitsu is to better yourself, not just to fight, and we wanted to spread enlightenment.  It was good enough for her, she left us alone.  We had a sign that said, "NINJA TEA PARTY" and then another one that said, "NEED $ FOR THROWING STARS," but that sign didn't do very well so we replaced it with, "TRICKS OR PHOTOS FOR DONATIONS" which ended up being a hit.  When people would pay for a trick, we would thank them and then walk different directions until we were about 40 feet apart.  At that point we began stretching and practicing made up martial arts and aligning ourselves with each other while breathing deeply, to leave the crowd in suspense.  Then we would yell, in Russian accents (we always aim for Japanese accents but it ends up Russian when we drink this much), "ARE YOU READY, NINJA?" and the other would yell back, "I AM READY!" or some such thing.  At this point I would run mad quickly and then jump high enough to land sitting on his shoulders.  He would spin around and we would start yelling about how it was the only good trick in the world and it was so impressive and they'd never see anything like it again.  People would usually clap and sometimes give us money.  

Frog, who is a stupid asshole that sells shitty joke books on the street walked by and we screamed our sales pitch at him.  He totes around poorly photocopied books of lame, outdated jokes and when he tries to sell you one and you say you already bought one, (which I did out of sympathy before I hated him) he responds with a remark about how he has 43 books and they're "the funniest joke books in the world," which they are not.  Just some old fat fuck with dreadlocks.  Anyway, he came walking by so we bombarded him with, "Hey!  Ninja tricks so cool, you buy one real cheap!  Or photo with ninjas!"  He said it was a slow day and he couldn't.  We continued, "We have funniest ninja trick in world!  All others pale in comparison!"  And as he began ignoring us and trying to sell a young lady a stupid book, we blared at her, "Ninja trick far surpasses joke book!  So much more funny, joke book nothing next to trick!  Yeah, that's right!" and so on until Frog dragged his dirty ass someplace else.

We both got pretty hurt though, because at one point I jumped too high and actually went over JW, save for a few inches of my nether-regions which clipped the back of his head and fucked up his neck.  Then another time I tried doing a backwards somersault off of his shoulders and he fell on me while I was kind of bent up and my spine got sandwiched HARD.  It hurt like a mother-fucker, but I still threw my hand up in the air, as I could not stand, and exclaimed "Ninja trick so good!  Looks like ninja got real hurt, but ninja only KIND OF hurt!" and kind of squirmed until I could stand, even though I felt like crying cause it hurt so fucking bad.   We were a hit with the kids and old ladies though, many pictures were taken with us, and kids gathered around and asked us questions as though we were real ninjas, so we made up clever lies and their parents seemed to think it was cool.  Of course we had a good amount of tea we drank through our masks, which perplexed some people.  *they didn't even know it was spiked with tequila*

Oh, and I thought I would get my ass kicked when one lady read our signs and as we began our pitch, she said, "Fuck that.  I used to do tricks for money, I know how it goes." or some such shit.  Without thinking, I shot back, "You did tricks, we do STUNTS."  She was some burly punk chick and apparently missed my prostitution reference, 'cause as soon as I said it I was expecting shit to get messy.

We made over $14 though, which is almost enough to pay for the days intake of tequila!  And some hot chick hugged us really hard, even though she was willing to pay we said ninjas hug for free.  Not a bad saturday, all and all.  Even though my back is too fucked up to bend over...


Last night I went to Matt and Darian's house because my house was full of people and I was pissed off. Darian's mom was in town, so we all played cards in a semi-wholesome fashion. I say semi-wholesome because I was wearing the awesome pants I have which have the ass almost completely torn out, and one time while scooting forward in my seat I felt the unmistakably sensation of balls dragging on wood. Realizing Darian's mom was only about two feet to my right, which was the direction my junk was hanging, I casually shifted my weight and did my best to conceal everything. I was pretty drunk though, and probably failed.


While groundskeeping today, yet another homeless guy spoke to me. This one was sitting next to the dumpster by the back of the building, vacantly listening to his disc-man. When he noticed me he assumed air guitar position and spit out the words, "I'm goin' off tha rails on tha crazy traaaiin...They're playin' that song right now!"

"Cool. It's a good song." I shot back with little interest. The usual routine of "Got a cigarrete?" followed by "Got any change ensued," and finally he dragged his busted ass down the street so I could pull weeds in peace.

So, Jesse is dog sitting his boss' dogs. They're purebreds, and like most purebreds they have severe A.D.D. caused by excessive inbreeding. The small one is border collie, and Jesse was warned of her tendency to have a seizure whenever she didn't get enough attention, so she was a treat. The other is a husky that must be in excess of 120 pounds. He's a fucking battering ram. He doesn't come to his name or respond to really any external stimuli other than food or garbage. Earlier he proved his dedication to worthlessness as he chewed on an aluminum can until his tongue bled. He went on to lick himself until he had a delightful rouge tone to his fur and had dripped all over the carpet. I kind of felt bad for him, but he really didn't seem to mind.


July, 2004
June, 2004
May, 2004
March, 2004
Febuary, 2004
January, 2004
December, 2003
November, 2003
October, 2003
September, 2003
August, 2003
July, 2003
June, 2003
May, 2003
April, 2003
March, 2003
Febuary, 2003
January, 2003
December, 2002
November, 2002