I was rounding a corner at work very quickly. The supervisor lady who almost invariably is in contagious, terrible moods was coming the other way very quickly. When collision seemed iminent, I threw my arms up to protect my torso from intimate contact. I elbowed her in the tit. It was terrible. Awful. Wrong on so many levels. I broke a sweat instantly.
"Oh, god..." I said, mortified. "I really didn't mean to do that."
"It's okay." She muttered gently and with reluctance.
"It's really, really not." I said and walked away in the bleakest of bleak moods.
I was replacing the waste basket liners in the bathrooms and break room. She confronted me about my bag replacing abilities. I didn't tie the corner of one garbage bag because the first time I tried, it ripped. This is the person you don't believe exists that will find the one bag in the building that you didn't tie, seek you out for it, and explain the importance of bag tying. She concluded our bag tying talk by saying "Thanks for elbowing me in the boob." My jaw dropped to either apologize again or puke blood or something, but nothing came out.
I wanted to scrub my elbow with steel wool and ammonia and then hold a blowtorch to it for a couple of hours and then cut it off and then dissolve it in acid and then put the acid in an air tight safe and then sink the safe to the bottom of the Mariana Trench. My elbow is forever tainted.
I was getting some beers and hit my head on the top of the inside of the fridge on my way out. I yelled an expletive and from down the hall my roommate yelled for me to shut up. I didn't want to, so I ran to his room with a spatula and hit him until the spatula broke, then jabbed at him with the jagged, broken remainder of spatula.
A lady came into the sandwich shop I work at and said she recognized me from the grocery store that I also work at. She asked why I worked so much and I said it was because I wanted money. She said she might be able to help me out. She was middle aged and I figured she wanted to pay me for sex. She was okay looking for being, like, fifty or something. I was trying to think how to ask my girlfriend if it would be okay for me to have sex with someone else if I didn't enjoy it and it provided us with additional income. That's where my mind was when the lady finally handed me a brochure for some pyramid scheme she's in. I think I'll pass on that and doing other shit, though.
I had to go to work and I didn't want to. I wanted to stay home and snuggle my cat. I was thinking that work might be better if I took my cat with me, killed my coworkers, and locked the building from the inside so I could just punch in and snuggle my cat on the clock all night. I didn't because I think that plan may have had negative repercussions in the long run.
really old months: