Untitled Document


Today rocked. After waking up, I walked to Albertsons for food. I bought some discount hamburger buns to feed the ducks with, because I am a simpleton and enjoy such things. So yeah, I'm tearing up the hamburger buns and throwing them in the creek, and it's going pretty good, but then all these fucking seagulls start swarming over me trying to get some hand outs, and for fear of being mauled or at least shat on, I decided to head home. The seagulls were still paying a lot of attention to me, so I got the bright idea to keep tossing food in the air as I went home. They snatched it and kept following, and I felt like a powerful man. A powerful man in the eye of a tornado built of natures most worthless creation. Well, maybe not most worthless, but as near as I can tell they don't play a remotely important part in the food chain. Anyway, after a couple of blocks some homeless looking fellow with a bunch of cans he was on his way to recycle had to stop me and tell me a meaningless seagull story that I could barely make out through his grizzled mumblings. About a block later, I saw a car accident. Awesome day! Perhaps distracted by the dirty kid with a halo of scavengers, a suburban smashed the fuck out of a parked small car. Fucking suburban drivers. That's the same make that messed me up in December. The seagulls abandoned me as I walked into an area of dense trees and powerlines though. Sad but true.


*Later that night*


After thieving booze from a party, the time of alcohol consumption and ninja prowling was upon us. JW and I were in uniform, Matt, Reed and Kyle accompanied in civilian attire. As we stumbled over the sidewalks towards our destination, a police car pulled up next to us. As our ninja antics have been reported to police before, and as we were minors stinking of whiskey and beer dressed in ninja suits, this was a cause of some discomfort. The police office rolled down his window and said, "Woah, ninjas...Sweet." And drove away. That's exactly why I love this town. We then proceeded to infiltrate the dorms where our target lives. The elevator ride found us packed in with a group of Resident Assistants, AKA the enemies of ninja attack forces. They asked if we were the ninjas that got in two weeks ago. We denied it and coaxed one of the RAs into knocking on Erics (the target) door, thus creating the illusion he was wanted for RA purposes when he looked through his peephole. But upon opening his door, he was attacked by ninjas. We sat around and shot the shit while I drank all of his milk and some of his beer. Then we left. We fucked with people here and there on our way home, then I went to bed and when I woke up there was water dumped all over my room. I guess I pissed off a vengeful spirit somewhere along the way.



Went to Shari's to answer the age old question.›"Can two men eat two pies?"›We had always wondered.›JW and myself were driven there by Darian and Matt, who witnessed the glory as JW and I each ate entire lemon meringue pies. JW finished first, and did so with more ease than I. It was either the tea I drank before hand, my cold, or just a stomach of less iron, but I ended up puking under the table three separate times.›+ And dry heaving once. That proved only a temporary setback though, because I did finish my pie.›We left a small tip because the waitress was really bad. The fact that about a third of the floor under the booth was occupied...heh, occu"PIED"...ha ha ha...by a reseviour of my vomit will weigh heavy on my already unpayable karmic tab.


Sick as hell. I have a really bad sinus headache thing, and as I was sprawled on the couch I asked JW if he had any pills that might relieve pain. I heard him digging through the drawers in his bedside stand for a moment, then he entered the room holding his fists out in front of him. "Pick a hand." He commanded. I picked his right. "Good choice." He said as he unrolled his fingers revealing a large red pill. He gave it to me and I swallowed, asking what it was. "Some sort of synthetic opiate." I guess that means like hydrocodiene or something. "Why was that a good choice, what was in the other hand?" I inquired. "Oh, that's viagra. I wasn't actually going to give it to you." He said he was "Saving it for something special." I pursued, asking if I could have it as well, and he said I didn't need to mess with my blood flow any more. After I pointed out that I felt like I had too much blood in my top head and should distribute it among my heads to relieve tension, he reluctantly offered the pill. I had a boner for about 47 minutes, which is I guess all right, but NOTHING compared to that yohimbe stuff we had last summer. A dose of that seriously gave me a new respect and fear of my own anatomy. So yeah, this is a nice lot of shit you didn't want to know. Oh well.

Decided to finally recycle the sea of beer bottles across from our bathroom and get enough money to buy more beer. We made about $9.50, which at five cents an item comes to 190 bottles and cans. You can imagine the smell eminating from this corner of the house was somewhat unsavory, so we were happy to be rid of it. As we stood outside the machines in front of safeway, a dirty yet friendly fellow dug through his cans and bottles and found a bottle of coconut vodka with a few shots left. He poured us some in a starbucks cup, so that was a little perk. Yeah though, come nightfall we decided to take the ninja suits for a little test drive. We put them on and traveled across town to the dorms, where we got in and hunted JWs old roommate. He wasn't there but it was still nice to infiltrate a big building. Of course we drew a lot of attention everywhere we went, and some guys standing outside a bar took notice. One of them started talking shit about ninjas as we passed. We stopped and stared. His friend told him to stop but he kept going, "Chinese Kung Fu is where it's at, I know snake style!" and took some stupid made up stance. "Aren't ninjas supposed to disappear?" He yelled. We sprinted away and he continued, "That's more like it!" Only much to spite him, we ran around the block, crept around the corner, then jumped out of nowhere just inches away from the two drunks with our arms out all scary like and yelled, "BAH! Ninja attack!" Caught off gaurd he exclaimed, "Oh, shit!" and then we ran away yet again, right as a car drove with its windows down, all passengers waving their hands screaming, "Yeah! Ninjas! Go Ninjas! Whoo!" And so on. We showed that asshole, even the public was on our side now. It was AWESOME. Then we went to a midnight Japanese Erotic Animation Festival, which was also quite worthwhile. On the way home we were both on JWs bike going the wrong way down a one way street because there wasn't much traffic. We were almost to the house when he raced quickly on our side of the street to beat an oncoming truck, which he wisely decided he should not try to do, so he swerved and smacked into the hood of my parked car. He bounced off the front and messed up his shin a little, I flew from the handlebars and landed on the windshield, which fared surprisingly well. All and all a good night out.

A window in our house cracked. We just noticed it a few days ago and can't figure out how it happened. While demonstrating one theory, JW managed to slap it and break it more. That was something I guess. We left to run errands. JW finally bought a ninja suit, so now we can start our ninjas for hire business. It'll be sweet, we're going to run an ad stating that we'll fight, dance, play guitar, or drink beer at parties, weddings, bar mitzvas, whatever. Hopefully we'll get some calls, because obviously we would do it. But yeah, after we bought that we went to Subway, and as we ate, A co-worker of JW came in and sat down with us. The one we made the poopy porn cd for. I was introduced as his roommate, and she asked if I made it, which I denied, just to complicate things. She said our other roommate must be weird as hell and she should think up a new name for him like, "freakshow" and yada yada yada. All the usual stuff people usually say to my face only this time it was to my face with the intention of being behind my back...or something. But yeah, some guy that had followed her in walked up to us with a sandwich and said to her, "Excuse me, I don't want to make a hit or a pass on you or anything, but it was the curls in your hair that made me hungry for a sandwich." He smiled and left, as soon as he was outside he sprinted away. Awesome.

I was biking towards my brothers house to watch a movie earlier this evening, when out of the darkness across the street another biker yelled, "Hey man!" or something to that effect, I wasn't really paying attention. I slowed down and saw he was looking at me so I yelled, "What's up?" and he rode over. He asked if he knew me from some place that sounded made up, I said he didn't, because as far as I know, the place is made up. He said he hadn't been in town long and didn't know many people, blah blah blah, we made small talk and he asked what I did. I said, "What, for a living? I'm unemployed right now, but I mostly work in retail." He said, "So, you're a salesman?" "Yeah, I guess." I responded. He fired back, "Is there anything you wouldn't sell?" and eventually he said he'd hire me as a speed dealer. Well, speed and acid. I kept an open mind partly to be polite and partly to milk his slanted personality for my own amusement. And party because I was thinking about selling speed. Just kidding. Or am I? I can't tell anymore. Anyway, he said that it was just something to do until his production company took off. He played air guitar and sang a song for me that his band had written. It was about beating up your girlfriends dad with a baseball bat. He made the bass line sound kinda cool though. He went on to explain how great his operation plan was, "You don't sell to junkies, you just sell to dealers, have them meet you for lunch at Chile's, and ask if they have the money they owe you. If they give you money, say you have to go to the bathroom then just put the sack under the trash can. They can go get it later. And don't keep it at your house, get a girlfriend and keep it at HER house. That way you don't get busted." It was pretty hilarious. Well, I found it entertaining. Maybe second hand it's not interesting enough to justify reading this much text, so I'll stop now.

The Cocky Pedestrians single "45 Degreez" is online and awaiting your attention!
Listen here!
Or don't. We need to mix it again with less bass. This isn't really final draft.

In the process of the sites heavy make over, which you should give me feedback on, JW stated he needed an adapter to get our music online, so we went to a department store to "acquire" one, but they were closed. So we went to a party. It was an "inappropriate" themed party, so I wrote "BABY FUCKER" in big square letters on a white shirt. JW dressed rattier than usual and called it good. Our arrival revealed a bunch of college kids, many wearing underwear outside their clothes, some with rival college attire, so on. A lot of people looked at my shirt and said, "Well...that IS inappriopriate." As though they didn't approve. What did they expect? College kids are all the same. They're all liberal 'til it comes to baby fucking or something, and suddenly everyone's a homeschool kid. Necrophelia is hilarious too.

JW and I recorded a song tonight. The Cocky Pedestrians, our latest band, is the self-proclaimed leading J-walk themed rap power group in the Pacific North West. We have powerful lyrics that we hope will inspire J-walkers everywhere.
"You know cocky pedestrians got the life
J-walk all day and record all night
crossing streets diagonally
the most efficient cross at 45 degrees!"
That's an excerpt from "45 degrees" which you will be able to download as soon as we figure out how to get it up here. It's complicated when you're as lazy as most rappers are.

Well kids, so far the new year ain't up to shit. Thankfully, I never thought of it as a new beginning anyway, not so much as I think of it as the beginning of more days since a bunch of other days went by. Who honestly gives a fuck? Today in my fruitless job hunt I took a new route and ended up having to turn around next to a playground. A couple boys were playing in this field, and a really shitty car pulled up next to the field. It was a totally beat up little sedan with "666" painted on the hood. The driver was a creepy looking fellow in his mid-twenties, just as one would expect. He was giving the kids a funny look. I laughed to myself and drove away. That, and a few days ago when JW puked while he was on the phone without causing a break in conversation are the only memories of this year so far. So bleak.