Thanksgiving. Didn't have enough time off to make it home to Idaho, so I went to visit my extended family in Portland. Dinner was fine, just a dozen or so people asking me why I don't go to college and the usual shite. As I was sprawled on the couch later, the overweight wiener dog with one good eye that my aunt calls a pet began humping me around the hip. Of course I didn't mind, but one of my cousins who I don't know at all but don't feel bad saying is hot because we're only related by law yelled, "What the hell?!" Pretty loud and apparently some of many people I didn't really know there didn't think this was funny, but I could only laugh as the dog continued and began hyperventilating. Whatever. Most people cleared out, but my brother and my cousins that I actually know became bored and went to a strip club. My fake ID provided me with an entrance and a drink. A creepy, drunk, middle aged woman sat next to my brother and asked if he was gay. He said he wasn't and that's why he went there in the first place, gesturing towards the naked woman about 18 inches from his face. The drunk lady persisted with, "Well are you 21? No offense, but you look like a gay 17 year old." He continued went on to explain he was 23 and straight. "If you're straight, then who's that?" She asked, gesturing towards me. He said we were brothers, and she expressed disbelief before asking me how much older I am. I had to say 21, even though I'm 20. Eventually her man dragged her drunk ass out of there, we didn't miss her. My cousin went on to tell some of the strippers it was my birthday so I had to have this talk about how liberating it is being an adult with this girl while she gave me a lap dance. An average amount of lies were involved. The holidays rock.
My roommate was operating the lightswitch in our bathroom and somehow it caved in. The light flicked on and off and we couldn't really do anything about it, so once the unmistakable musk of electrical fire filled our house, the fire department was contacted. They seemed pretty disgusted that we didn't have any smoke detectors, especially since our house is made of siding that would burn ridiculously fast. We had to call the landlord to have him come disconnect the circuit, so a frantic rush to hide anything suggesting we own pets ensued. We succeeded in erasing the evidence of our cat and rabbit, and he managed to rig our bathroom so the light never turns off. I can't wait to move next month.
Last night was fan-fucking-tastic. Well, it was all right anyway. JW and I went trick or beering in our ninja suits for the second year in a row, and even though Halloween fell on a Sunday this year we still made a decent bounty. A lot of people were pretty happy to comply with us, but the only people in town with a Bush/Cheney sign in their yard were about the kind of dipshits you'd expect. One cock sucking mother fucker actually reached into JW's bag with a can of beer that turned out to be empty, depositing it and grabbing an actual beer before receeding back into his house behind his locked door. He was showing it off to his friends, I could see through the window as I tried to get in. JW unscrewed the lightbulb from the porch light and some guy on the sidewalk yelled at us to come back, for some reason we did. He was the cock sucking mother fuckers roommate, and JW gave him the light bulb. At this point we weren't drunk enough to make a mess of things, but as we know where they live and they don't even know what we look like, I can assure you we will indeed win the war. Like, with a vengeance. The beer will do nothing to calm their damaged souls when us ninjas are done with our reign of awesomeness. Fucking bastards. They will be so sorely punished. Anyway, one household was not eager to give us beer unless we showed them some ninja moves. More than happy to oblige, we entered the home and JW crossed the living room. We assessed the room for items which could be easily damaged, then stretched. I took off my shoes, opened the front door and got out on the porch. This was our first time doing "The Mount," our awesome ninja trick, since the day I sprained my back. By now our audience was intoxicated by the suspense, and what followed was pure glory. A totally decent indoor execution. I ran across the living room, jumped really high and landed sitting on JW's shoulders. We paraded around for a moment boasting about how awesome we were to our flabbergasted audience before the hostess kicked down two beers EACH to JW and myself. So righteous. We kept on truckin' and eventually came to a house where the guy asked us if we had cups. I said I left my cup in my other ninja suit, to which he responded, "I have an idea...Ninja keg stands!" So we went inside and did keg stands through our masks before thanking the two residents and taking off. A couple neighborhoods later a cop car passed us and immediately made a U-turn to get back in our direction, and considering the bulk of alcohol we had in our bags and bodies and all the people we had concerned that night, we decided to run really fast in the other direction. JW was about ten feet in front of me and fell violently to his back without warning. It turns our there was a chain link fence there we couldn't see. We found the gate and managed to get through a few yards and into the alley, where we hung out until the cop left the area. Finally, we arrived at my house and either drank or gave away the remainder of our large bounty. On my way to bed, I started to puke up a little but I swallowed it before it left my mouth because I was too tired to vomit.