Today at work I was bored and kind of drunk, so I turned one of those pressurized air cans upside down so that it fired liquid oxygen and filled the bottom centimeter or so of a glass bong with the combustible before sparking it. It flamed magnificiently, but once the laminated price tag began melting and stinking I blew it out and left it on the counter. Some kids came in that were all 18 and one of them decided to inhale through it just to see how it would pull. As there was still an abundance of hot, nasty fumes inside, he caughed viciously. I don't know if you've ever tried to breathe after burning that shit, but if you're anywhere near it your lungs feel robbed of years off the end of your life. Being that kid must suck.

So my work started giving away free cigarette lighters if you put our bumper sticker on your car or bike. Some poor guy was really stoked so I went out on the sidewalk to watch him put it on what I assumed would be a bike, but instead witnessed him applying it asymmetrically to his grocery cart full of moldy blankets and empty cans. So yeah, my work is sponsoring some homeless guys "rig." Fucking sweet.

I had this dream I was sitting on top of this really arctic looking hill with a bunch of PCP burried in the snow beneath me. I was guarding it with my life, even though I don't do PCP, and I didn't want to sell it because I was afraid if anybody knew I had it I would get arrested. Some friends drove by under the hill and invited me to do something but I was like, "No, I'm busy...guarding my hill." That's about it.

Another exciting dream. This girl I know and two of her hot friends all wanted to have an orgy, and I was all about it. We were on our way to an apartment I was renting but not staying at for some reason, and when we entered there were a bunch of chirping sounds. I said, "Oh, FUCK. I totally forgot about my penguin eggs!" and there were all these baby penguins in a cage and an adult penguin wondering around the room frantically. The room was full of flies, and I found myself wondering if penguins ate flies? I didn't know. I called this person I know who had a picture of a penguin on the background of her PC desk top and asked her what penguins ate. She said fish. I was in the process of trying to force feed penguins a fish the size of a thumb through a syringe, then they turned into chameleons, then the chameleons turned black, then my alarm went off and I woke up.

The March of Dimes called me for some reason. They do this annual charity where they pretend they're charging you with something over the phone and that you'll be arrested and you need bail, and then the bail goes to babies or something. Does that make sense? The call actually sounds like you're having charges pressed against you at first though. The lady on the phone asked if I knew anyone else that might like to participate, and what I'd like to charge them with. I gave her JW's phone number and the offense of "Exploitation of child labor." Tom's number as well, with the charge of "Questionable solicitation on a public playground." The event itself pretty much entails the March of Dimes luring you into a restaurant with the promise of free lunch, then making you call people you know and seeing if they'll give you money. We were under the impression lunch would be good, since the guy we know who did it last year said it was catered by one of the most expensive places in town. Otherwise, we would not have participated. I wish that had been the case. We were instead taken to "Elmer's," a total dump by campus where old people go for waffles when their joints hurt too bad to carry them all the way to IHOP. A meal was not provided, but lukewarm fries were. We thought it was lame and took off far before the goal they projected for us was reached. A lot of the people there were all amped about the charity work. I can almost understand that. I just wonder if they all had issues with premature birth or if they pulled a charity out of the air to care about? Are they so passionate about the March of Dimes that they'd be angry to hear someone had donated their disposable income on hurricane relief when they could have as easily spent money on babies or whatever? Are there fierce debates between charities over which is the more vaild cause? I don't know. I probably don't want to. That was a whole subculture I had no idea existed, and I think I've seen enough of it.



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