Today I received a call from a tenant at the shopping center I've been doing work at.  She said that one of her workers wanted as escort to her car after they closed at 8.  I agreed and hoped to myself that it was an attractive girl roughly my age with a stalker ex-boyfriend that was maniacal and threatening yet simultaneously weak enough that I could kill him with my bare hands and be the hero and then the girl would buy me beer and do me.  It turns out it was a middle-aged woman who was not attractive to me.  I walked her to her car and made small talk, then laughed on my way back when I realized that I would kill a stranger for sex and beer.  Huh.



Oh, my God!  This has to have been the best day of my life!  I've been working 12 hour days with a construction crew doing all of their bitch-work, and today, as I was sweeping, not one, but TWO people complimented me on my sweeping!  One of them was just another employee, but the other one was the boss.  Not just the guy who has a fancy 11 or 12 syllable job title that I can't remember but is more or less a manager, but the actual owner of the whole business.  He didn't just give me a little thumbs up or anything suggestive, what he said was: "Keep it up, you're doing a great job."  I am so fucking good at sweeping that I earn the privilege of doing MORE sweeping.  

I remember my first retail job as a teenager.  At one point the effectiveness of my sweeping was brought into discussion on the grounds that I didn't move items on the floor and sweep behind them.  Holy fuck, was I ever embarrassed.  Lucky for me, those days are long gone!  I guess practice really does make perfect.  It's easy to feel like you're not getting anywhere in life, but over the meager course of four years, you can go from a mediocre sweeper to a great sweeper!  

That's not the only praise I've ever received for a job well done, though.  I used to work for a really wonderful software company with just over 300 employees in a building built for 200, but some saint figured out a way to bisect cubicles and use space 150% as well by eliminating walls and elbow space.  Out of the 300 and some employees, I was one of only 2 that received a 100% on our evaluations.  Obviously, being among the .66666666666666666666666666666667% most efficient employees for a large company worth a lot of money doesn't come without it's perks, so not only was I rewarded with a printout congratulating me on my thoroughness, but paper clipped to that was a gift certificate for $1 to be used at the over priced, shitty deli across the street!  AN ENTIRE MOTHER FUCKING DOLLAR!  Do you know how many possibilities that presented me with?  For example, I could have purchased an $8 sandwich for just $7!  Holy shit, good thing I did so well on my evaluation.  It crossed my mind to write a very sincere, thankful letter to whoever the hell was responsible for blessing me with the ability to save one dollar at an establishment of their choice, but instead I demonstrated my gratitude in the less traditional fashion of drinking on the job and stealing as much as I could.


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