Analytical Dissections of the Critically Malnourished

This week's review: Having a mustache

I had a mustache for about 7 hours the other day.  Every minute of it was amazing.  Pretty much everyone I encountered agreed that it was the tightest thing ever, until my girlfriend came over.  We were going to go out to dinner but she refused to leave the house with me and my awesome 'stache. "It's gross. I can't go out with you like that.  I'm serious."  was one thing she uttered.  So was "I really, really hate it."  Or on the topic of photography, "I hate the lighting in here.  And the mustache."  When discussing love making she said this: "I can't have sex with you like that."

Me: "What about from behind?"

Her: "No, not if that lets you keep the mustache."

This went on for a while before we compromised.  I was planning on buying us dinner, but I sold out and sacrificed my mustache's life in exchange for 5 Thai meals, 4 of which are yet to be tendered as of this writing.  Word got out that was why I shaved, not that it was a secret or anything, and the night afterwards I was at her house.  Her roommate was telling me what a dick I was and she wasn't kidding.  She would keep saying things about how I was an asshole for the whole ordeal, but I think it was completely unfair of her to not even consider the angle that my girlfriend was trying to change me, while I was just going with the flow and trying to express myself, only to be censored by the fairer sex.  I was the victim.  Or my mustache was.  My moustache won't be around to get smothered in curry, and I will mourn it with each meal to come.

Having a mustache final grade: A+


Having a mustache

Shitting Your Pants in the Chuck E. Cheeze's Ball Crawl as a Child

The Gas I Have Right Now



People With Leaf Blowers

Sob'r-K Hangover Stoppers

A Spider I accidentally Swollowed the Other Night

JW's Ugly Fucked Up Finger

Durian Ice Cream

A shitty bar everybody likes that they made a bad movie out of

Cooking for Myself

Not Sure

A Hot Pregnant Lady I Saw at Albertson's a While Ago

Piece of Candy I Stepped On While On my Way to The Bathroom to Masturbate

Mr. Meowmers

Some Wedding I Didn't Go To

Pickled Gooseberries


Colgate Toothpaste Tube


Mold Next to my Sink

Sav-On Osco Sponge